Kitchen-table agreements: DIY separation
Key facts
- Couples can agree arrangements between themselves directly, without a mediator, lawyer or court.
- A financial agreement reached this way is not automatically binding; it only binds once made into a consent order approved by a judge.
- Arrangements for children can be written into a parenting plan, which is not a court order but records what you have agreed.
- A DIY agreement works best where communication is good, there is trust and the finances are straightforward.
- Getting independent legal advice and formalising the outcome protects both people if circumstances change later.
A kitchen-table agreement is exactly what it sounds like: you and your ex-partner sit down and work out the arrangements yourselves, without a mediator, lawyer or judge involved. Many couples do this, and where communication is good and the finances are simple, it can be a calm and low-cost way to separate. The important thing to understand is what such an agreement can and cannot do on its own, and how to make it stick.
This guide explains how DIY agreements work, where they suit and where they carry risk, and the step that turns a private understanding into something binding. If direct conversations feel too difficult, mediation and the other routes offer more structured help.
What can you agree at the kitchen table?
You can discuss and agree almost anything between yourselves: where the children live and how time is shared, how bills and belongings are split, what happens to the house, and how any savings or debts are handled. Writing it down matters. For children, a parenting plan is a simple, practical record of what you have agreed, covering routines, holidays and how you will make decisions together. It is not a court order, but it helps both households stay on the same page.
For money and property, a written note of what you have agreed is a useful starting point. But a private agreement about finances does not, by itself, prevent either of you making a financial claim against the other in future. That is the key limit of the DIY route, and the reason the next step matters so much.
Why a financial agreement needs a consent order
This is the single most important point. A financial agreement you reach directly is not legally binding until it is made into a consent order and approved by a judge. Without that order, either person could later go to court and ask for something different, even years after separating. A consent order draws a line under the finances and, where appropriate, provides a clean break so neither of you can make a claim against the other in future.
| Type of arrangement | How it is recorded | Is it binding? |
|---|---|---|
| Children arrangements | Parenting plan | Not a court order, but a working agreement |
| Financial agreement (informal) | Written note between you | No, either person can still make a claim |
| Financial agreement (formalised) | Consent order approved by a judge | Yes, legally binding and enforceable |
Making a consent order is straightforward where you already agree. You submit the agreed terms to the court, along with a short statement of your finances, and a judge checks it is fair before approving it. The court fee for a consent order is £62. Our page on making an agreement binding walks through the steps.
Many separating couples also ask for a clean break within the consent order where their circumstances allow it. A clean break ends the financial ties between you, so neither can make a claim against the other’s income, savings, pension or future earnings. That certainty is one of the main reasons to formalise a kitchen-table agreement rather than leave it as an informal understanding, however amicable the split has been. A friendly separation today is no guarantee that circumstances, or feelings, will not change in the years to come, and the order is what protects you both if they do.
A private financial agreement is not automatically enforceable. To be binding, it must be made into a consent order under the court’s powers in the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (for divorcing couples) and approved by a judge, who must be satisfied the terms are fair. The court retains the final say. Getting independent legal advice before signing helps ensure the agreement holds up. GOV.UK sets out how to apply for a consent order once you have agreed how to divide money and property.
Where does a DIY agreement suit, and where is it risky?
Kitchen-table agreements work best where you both communicate well, trust each other to be open about money, and the finances are relatively simple. Where there is an imbalance of power, where one person controls the finances or knows far more about them, or where assets like pensions and a business are involved, doing it entirely alone carries real risk. You might agree to something without realising what you are giving up.
If honest conversation is possible but you would value a steady hand, mediation offers structure without taking the decisions out of your hands. If safety is a concern, or one person will not engage or disclose, the court route exists for good reason. There is no shame in stepping up from the kitchen table to a more supported process; many couples do.
Do children arrangements need a court order?
For children, the answer is usually no. Many separated parents run their arrangements entirely through a parenting plan, a written record of where the children live, how time is shared, and how the two of you will make decisions together. A parenting plan is not a court order, and it does not need a judge’s approval, but it gives both households a shared reference and reduces the room for misunderstanding. You can update it as the children grow and circumstances change.
A court order for children is normally only needed where you cannot agree, where one parent will not stick to what was agreed, or where there is a specific reason to make the arrangement enforceable. Turning a plan into an order is possible, but for most families the plan itself does the job. Finances are the opposite: there, formalising the agreement in a consent order really does matter, because without it either person can still bring a financial claim in future.
A sensible safeguard
Even where you agree everything yourselves, it is wise for each of you to get independent legal advice before signing anything, and to formalise a financial agreement in a consent order. It costs relatively little and protects you both if circumstances change.
How to reach a kitchen-table agreement step by step
A DIY agreement works best with a little structure, even though no professional is involved. A sensible order is: first, each of you gathers the full financial picture, including income, savings, debts, pensions and the value of the home, so you are both working from the same facts. Second, you talk through what each of you needs going forward, keeping any children’s needs at the centre. Third, you agree the arrangements and write them down clearly. Fourth, for children, you set them out in a parenting plan. Fifth, for finances, you each take independent legal advice and then apply for a consent order so the agreement becomes binding.
Writing things down as you go avoids later disputes about what was actually agreed. It also makes the final step, turning a financial agreement into a consent order, far simpler, because the terms are already clear. Our guide to making an agreement binding sets out exactly what the court needs to see.
A checklist for a fair DIY agreement
Before you treat a kitchen-table agreement as settled, it is worth checking a few things are in place. The list below is a simple prompt, not legal advice.
| Check | Why it matters |
|---|---|
| You have both shared full financial information | A fair deal depends on both of you seeing the whole picture |
| Pensions have been considered, not just cash and the house | Pensions are often a couple’s largest asset and easy to overlook |
| Each of you has had independent legal advice | Advice helps you understand what you may be giving up |
| The children’s needs come first | Courts and parents alike put children’s welfare at the centre |
| A consent order is applied for | This is what makes a financial agreement binding |
Common mistakes to avoid
The most frequent misunderstanding is assuming that a signed piece of paper is legally binding. On its own, a private financial agreement is not, and either person can later ask a court for something different unless a consent order is in place. A second common mistake is leaving pensions out of the conversation, when they are often the largest asset a couple holds. A third is agreeing under pressure, or where one person simply does not know the full financial position, which can produce a deal that later unravels.
Avoiding these mistakes is mostly about being thorough and honest. Share everything, take advice, keep the children’s needs at the centre, and formalise the outcome. If any of that feels difficult, whether because emotions are running high or because one of you holds more of the information, a more supported process such as mediation can give you the same control with a steadier structure.
When to step up from the kitchen table
There is a natural moment when a DIY approach stops being the right fit. If conversations keep breaking down, if you cannot agree on the finances, if one of you feels unheard, or if the picture is more complex than you first thought, it can help to bring in support. Mediation adds an impartial guide without taking the decisions out of your hands. If direct contact is difficult, solicitor negotiation keeps you at arm’s length. Where safety is a concern or one person will not engage, the court route exists for good reason. Stepping up is not a failure; it is matching the process to what the situation needs.
Tom and Bea had been together for six years and separated on good terms. They had no children, rented their home, and their finances were simple, so they wrote down between themselves how to split their savings and a small amount of shared debt. To make sure it was watertight, they each had a short advice appointment with a solicitor and then applied for a consent order with a clean break. The judge approved it. Their separation cost very little, and the order meant neither of them could make a claim against the other later on.
Frequently asked questions
Is a kitchen-table agreement legally binding?
A financial agreement reached directly is not binding on its own. It becomes binding only when it is made into a consent order approved by a judge. Children arrangements can be recorded in a parenting plan, which is a working agreement rather than a court order.
Do we need a solicitor to make a DIY agreement?
You do not have to use one to reach the agreement, but it is wise for each of you to get independent legal advice before signing, and to have a consent order drafted, especially where property, pensions or a business are involved.
How do we make our financial agreement binding?
You apply to the court for a consent order setting out the agreed terms, with a short statement of your finances. A judge checks it is fair and approves it. The court fee is £62.
Can a parenting plan be made into a court order?
It does not have to be. A parenting plan is a written record of what you have agreed. It can be turned into a court order if there is a reason to, but many families simply use the plan itself.
When is a DIY agreement not a good idea?
Where there is an imbalance of power, where one person controls or hides money, where the finances are complex, or where there are safety concerns. In those cases a more supported process, such as mediation or court, is safer.
Should we include pensions in a kitchen-table agreement?
Yes. Pensions are often a couple’s largest asset and are easy to overlook. Leaving them out is a common mistake, so it is worth getting their value and considering them before you treat the finances as settled.
Is a written and signed agreement enough on its own?
Not for finances. A signed note records what you intend, but it does not stop either person making a financial claim later. Only a consent order approved by a judge makes a financial agreement binding and enforceable.
What if we agree on children but not money?
That is common. You can record the children’s arrangements in a parenting plan and keep working on the finances, using mediation or another route to close the gap before formalising the money side in a consent order.