How to prepare for your MIAM
Key facts
- No preparation is legally required for a MIAM; you can turn up with nothing and it still counts.
- Knowing rough figures for the house, mortgage, pensions and incomes makes the money conversation far more useful.
- Thinking in advance about what you want for your children helps the mediator assess whether mediation could work.
- Write down questions beforehand: costs, timescales and the mediator’s experience are all fair game.
- The meeting lasts 45 to 60 minutes and is held without your ex, in person or by video.
A MIAM needs no revision, no paperwork bundle and no rehearsed speech. It is an information and assessment meeting, and the mediator will steer it. That said, people who arrive having done an hour of thinking almost always get more from the appointment: sharper answers about their own situation, better questions for the mediator, and a clearer decision at the end. If you have not yet read our overview of what a MIAM is, that is the place to start.
This page covers practical preparation: the facts and figures worth gathering, how to think about arrangements for children, the questions to put to the mediator, and the emotional side of walking into a room to talk about your separation with a stranger.
Sort the practicalities first
Start with the basics of the appointment itself. Confirm whether your MIAM is in person or by video, how long it will last, and what it costs; most services charge between £100 and £150 per person, and it is free if you qualify for legal aid. If you think you might qualify, check on GOV.UK before you book and ask the service whether it holds a legal aid contract, because not all do. Our legal aid for mediation page explains the means test.
Have some basic details to hand for the intake process: your ex’s full name and contact details (the service needs these to invite them to their own MIAM later, if you choose that route), children’s names and dates of birth, and the case number of any existing court proceedings. Bring photo ID if the service has asked for it.
If proceedings are already contemplated, take any court forms or solicitor letters you have received. The mediator does not need them to run the meeting, but a quick look at a C100 or a letter before action tells them precisely where things stand.
Get a rough picture of the finances
You will not be asked to produce bank statements, valuations or payslips at a MIAM. Full financial disclosure comes later, if you mediate about money. But the options conversation is far more concrete if you can talk in round numbers: roughly what the house is worth and what is left on the mortgage, roughly what each of you earns, whether there are pensions and approximately their size, and any significant debts or savings.
An evening with your mortgage statement, a property website and your last pension statement is usually enough. If numbers are not your strength, or your ex handled the money, say so at the meeting; mediators are used to one person knowing far less than the other, and full mediation is designed to fix exactly that imbalance through open disclosure.
Our free financial disclosure checklist lists the documents that will eventually be needed if you mediate about finances, and gathering even a few of them early takes pressure off later. The disclosure process itself is explained in our financial disclosure guide.
Think about what you want for the children
If your dispute involves children, the most valuable preparation costs nothing: time spent thinking about what arrangement would actually work. Not the arrangement that feels fair to you as a wronged partner, but the one that fits the children’s school runs, clubs, friendships and need for both parents. Where would they sleep in the week and at weekends? How would handovers work? What about birthdays, holidays and Christmas?
You do not need answers, and you should hold whatever you sketch out lightly, because mediation is a negotiation, not a delivery of demands. But a parent who can say “I want alternate weekends, one midweek overnight and half the school holidays” gives the mediator something real to assess, where “I just want what’s fair” gives them nothing.
It can help to look at common patterns before the meeting. Our pages on contact patterns that work and the parenting plan guide show the shapes other separated families use, from week-on week-off to term-time and holiday splits.
Questions worth asking the mediator
The MIAM is a two-way assessment: you are deciding whether mediation, and this mediator, suit you. Nobody minds direct questions. The checklist below covers the ones that matter most.
| Topic | What to ask |
|---|---|
| Credentials | Are you FMC accredited, and can you sign court forms? |
| Costs | What does each joint session cost, and what documents are included at the end? |
| Funding | Do you hold a legal aid contract? Can you apply the £500 voucher if our case involves the children? |
| Process | How many sessions do cases like ours usually take, and how far apart are they? |
| Format | Do you offer online, shuttle or child-inclusive mediation if we need them? |
| Next steps | How will you invite my ex, and what happens if they say no? |
If any answer is vague on costs or accreditation, treat that as useful information. What the follow-up looks like when your ex declines, including getting your court form signed, is set out in what happens after a MIAM.
Prepare emotionally, not just practically
Plenty of people cry at MIAMs. Mediators expect it, keep tissues on the table, and think no less of anyone for it. You will be describing the end of a relationship to a stranger, possibly for the first time out loud, and it is normal for that to be harder than the paperwork. Build in a buffer: do not book the meeting in the middle of a working day if you can avoid it, and give yourself somewhere quiet to go afterwards.
Two mental habits help. First, separate the relationship from the negotiation: the MIAM is not the place to establish whose fault the separation was, and the mediator will not adjudicate on it. Second, expect to hear options you dislike. The mediator must explain court realistically, including its costs and delays, and must explain compromise positions you may initially resist. Hearing an option is not pressure to take it.
If there has been any abuse or fear in the relationship, prepare to say so plainly when the mediator asks; the screening questions exist for your protection, and answering honestly shapes everything that follows. Our page on domestic abuse evidence and the MIAM exemption explains the alternatives if mediation would not be safe.
Online or in person: choose the setting that suits you
Most services now offer MIAMs by video call as standard, and they satisfy the legal requirement exactly as an in-person meeting does. Online suits people juggling work and childcare, anyone a long way from their chosen service, and those who feel more comfortable on home ground. You will need a private room where you cannot be overheard, a stable connection, and no one else present unless agreed; the mediator will check.
In person tends to suit people who find screens awkward, have patchy broadband, or simply want the full attention that a room provides. Neither format is quicker or cheaper as a rule, so pick on comfort. The detail of how video meetings run, including privacy expectations, is on online MIAMs, and if mediation goes ahead you can read about online mediation too.
Sophie, a teaching assistant from Norwich, spent the weekend before her MIAM doing three things: she wrote down the mortgage balance and a rough valuation of the house from a property site, sketched a fortnightly pattern she thought could work for her daughter, and listed four questions about costs. The meeting was by video on a Monday evening after her daughter’s bedtime. Because she had figures ready, the mediator could tell her that her case looked like two to three financial sessions, and that the £500 voucher would apply to the children element.
Her ex, Tom, accepted the invitation the following week. Sophie said afterwards that the preparation did not change the meeting, it changed how much of it she actually took in.
Frequently asked questions
Do I need to bring documents to a MIAM?
No documents are required. It helps to know rough figures for the house, mortgage, incomes and pensions if money is in dispute, and to bring any court papers if proceedings have started, but the meeting works without them. Full financial disclosure only happens later, if you go on to mediate about finances.
Should I speak to a solicitor before my MIAM?
You can, and some people find an initial legal consultation helps them understand their position first, but it is not necessary. The MIAM itself explains your options, and you can take legal advice at any point during mediation. Many people attend the MIAM first and decide afterwards whether they need a solicitor.
What if I get upset during the meeting?
Nothing bad happens. Mediators see strong emotion daily and will slow down, pause or take a break if you need one. Getting upset does not count against you in any assessment; mediators distinguish clearly between distress, which is normal, and factors that genuinely make mediation unsuitable, such as fear or intimidation.
Can I prepare a written statement to read out?
You can bring notes, and a short list of points you want to cover is genuinely useful. A prepared statement tends to work less well, because the MIAM is a conversation and the mediator needs to ask questions as you go. Bullet points beat a script: they keep you focused without boxing you in.
How soon after booking will my MIAM happen?
Most services offer appointments within days, particularly by video, and online MIAMs can sometimes be booked for the same week. If you are working to a court deadline, tell the service when you enquire. Remember that your signed MIAM confirmation remains valid for four months once you have attended.
Sources
- Family Mediation Council: family mediation, what a MIAM involves and how mediation proceeds afterwards (accessed July 2026).
- Practice Direction 3A, Family Procedure Rules, the legal framework for MIAMs, including what the meeting must cover (accessed July 2026).
- GOV.UK: check if you can get legal aid, the eligibility checker worth using before booking (accessed July 2026).
- GOV.UK: family mediation voucher scheme, the £500 contribution towards sessions in child arrangements cases (accessed July 2026).
- MoneyHelper: sorting out money during divorce, the financial information worth gathering when separating (accessed July 2026).