How family mediation works, step by step
Key facts
- Family mediation begins with a MIAM, a one-to-one meeting that each of you attends separately before any joint sessions.
- The mediator does not take sides and does not decide anything for you. Every decision stays with you and your ex-partner.
- If money or property is involved, you both exchange full financial disclosure before proposals are discussed seriously.
- Your agreement is written up in a memorandum of understanding. It only becomes legally binding if you turn it into a consent order, which costs £62 as of 13 July 2026.
- The government’s family mediation voucher scheme can contribute up to £500 towards mediation in cases involving child arrangements. It is not means-tested.
If you are separating and everyone keeps telling you to “try mediation first”, it helps to know exactly what that involves. Family mediation is a structured series of meetings in which an independent, professionally trained mediator helps you and your ex-partner work out arrangements for your children, your money, or both. It is not counselling, it is not an attempt to get you back together, and nobody imposes an outcome on you.
This page walks through the whole process in order, from the first phone call to a legally binding agreement, with a timeline showing how long each stage usually takes. If you want the bigger picture first, our complete guide to family mediation explains what mediation is, who it suits and what it can achieve.
The process at a glance
Every case is different, but almost all family mediation follows the same sequence: an individual assessment meeting for each of you, a short agreement setting the ground rules, a series of joint sessions, and written documents recording what you have agreed. The table below shows the typical shape of a case from start to finish. Straightforward child arrangements cases sit at the quick end; cases involving property, pensions and children together take longer because of the disclosure stage.
| Stage | What happens | Typical timing |
|---|---|---|
| Contact and booking | You choose a mediator, complete an intake form and the mediator invites your ex-partner to take part | Week 1 |
| MIAMs | Each of you attends a separate one-to-one assessment meeting | Weeks 1 to 3 |
| Agreement to mediate | You both sign the document setting out the ground rules and confidentiality terms | Before the first joint session |
| Joint sessions | Usually 60 to 90 minutes each; children-only cases often settle faster than financial ones | Weeks 3 to 12, spaced 2 to 3 weeks apart |
| Financial disclosure | Both of you gather and exchange evidence of income, property, pensions and debts (financial cases only) | Runs alongside the early joint sessions |
| Outcome documents | The mediator drafts your memorandum of understanding and, in financial cases, an open financial statement | 1 to 2 weeks after the final session |
| Consent order (optional) | A solicitor turns a financial agreement into a draft order and the court approves it | Several further weeks, depending on the court |
How many joint sessions you need depends on how much you have to sort out and how far apart you start. Some couples reach agreement in a single session; others need four or five. We look at this in detail in our guide to how many mediation sessions you are likely to need.
Step 1: contacting a mediator and booking
The process starts when one of you contacts a mediation service. In England and Wales, family mediators are regulated by the Family Mediation Council (FMC), and its online register lets you search by location. You will usually complete a short intake form covering your circumstances, whether there are children, and any safety concerns, and you will be asked for your ex-partner’s contact details so the service can invite them to take part.
That invitation matters. Mediation needs both of you, but the invitation comes from the neutral service rather than from you, which often lands better than a request from an ex-partner would. Location need not limit your choice either: online mediation by video call is now routine and works well where you live far apart or prefer not to share a room.
Step 2: the MIAM, a separate meeting for each of you
Before any joint work, each of you attends a MIAM, short for mediation information and assessment meeting. It is a private, one-to-one conversation with the mediator, typically lasting around 45 minutes to an hour, and your ex-partner is not present and does not hear what you say. The mediator explains how mediation works, asks about your situation, and screens carefully for domestic abuse, coercion and anything else that could make mediation unsafe or unfair.
The MIAM has a legal role too. If you later apply to court about children or finances, you generally need to have attended one first unless an exemption applies. It usually costs around £100 to £150 per person, and it is where the mediator decides, with you, whether your case is suitable. Our MIAM guide covers the meeting, the exemptions and the paperwork in full.
Money help is assessed at this stage as well. Legal aid is available for mediation if you qualify financially, and for cases involving child arrangements the government’s family mediation voucher scheme contributes up to £500 per family towards the joint sessions. The voucher is not means-tested, though it does not cover the MIAM itself.
The family court’s Practice Direction 3A says a MIAM should be held within 15 business days of you contacting the mediator. In practice most services can offer an appointment within days, especially online.
Step 3: signing the agreement to mediate
If you both decide to go ahead, the mediator sends each of you a document called the agreement to mediate. This is not an agreement about your children or money. It is a short contract setting the ground rules: that taking part is voluntary, that the mediator is impartial, that discussions are confidential, and that financial proposals are made on a without prejudice basis, meaning they cannot later be quoted in court as evidence of what you were once willing to accept.
It also confirms the practical terms, including fees, session arrangements and the limited situations where confidentiality gives way, such as a risk of harm to a child. Reading it properly is worth ten minutes of your time, because it is the framework everything else sits inside. The principles of family mediation that it reflects are set by the FMC’s Code of Practice.
Step 4: joint sessions, what actually happens in the room
A joint session usually lasts 60 to 90 minutes, in person or by video. The mediator opens by agreeing an agenda with you both: perhaps the weekly pattern for the children first, then holidays, then handovers. They then manage the conversation so each of you is heard, keeping discussion on the agenda, testing options against practical reality, and noting points of agreement as they emerge on a flipchart or shared screen.
The mediator will not tell you what to do, take sides or give either of you legal advice, although they can give legal information, such as explaining what a court would take into account. Their job is to run a fair process while you make the decisions. We explain the role fully in what a family mediator actually does.
Between sessions you will often have homework: checking mortgage figures, talking to the children’s school about wraparound care, or getting a pension valuation. If being in the same room does not work for you, the same steps can run with each of you in separate rooms, which is known as shuttle mediation.
Financial disclosure, if money is on the table
Where you are dealing with property, pensions, savings or debts, mediation includes a disclosure stage. Each of you completes a financial summary supported by evidence: payslips, bank statements, mortgage statements, pension valuations and business accounts where relevant. The mediator helps you assemble a joint schedule of assets so that proposals are built on the same, complete picture.
Disclosure is not optional box-ticking. An agreement reached on hidden or partial figures can unravel later, because a court asked to approve it, or either of your solicitors, will expect the numbers to be honest and complete. Our guide to financial disclosure in mediation lists exactly what you will need to produce and where to find it.
Step 5: proposals and your written outcome documents
Once the facts are established, sessions turn to proposals. The mediator helps you generate options, compare them against what matters to each of you and to the children, and narrow down to terms you can both live with. When you reach agreement, the mediator writes it up in a memorandum of understanding, a plain-English record of your proposals and the reasoning behind them.
In financial cases you also receive an open financial statement, which sets out the disclosed financial facts. The two documents have different statuses: the memorandum is without prejudice and cannot be shown to a court as evidence, while the open financial statement can. For child arrangements, the outcome is often written up as a parenting plan instead, covering the practical detail of the children’s week.
Step 6: making your agreement legally binding
The memorandum of understanding is deliberately not a binding contract, which gives you space to take legal advice on the proposals before committing. To make a financial agreement enforceable you turn it into a consent order: a solicitor drafts the order reflecting your memorandum, you both sign it, and a judge approves it if it is fair. The court fee for a financial order by consent is £62 as of 13 July 2026, a fraction of the £321 fee for starting contested financial proceedings.
Child arrangements agreements work differently: most parents simply follow their parenting plan, and only ask the court for an order where one is genuinely needed. The full options, costs and steps are set out in our guide to making your mediation agreement legally binding, and the legal status of each document is explained in is family mediation legally binding?
Rachel and Dan separated in January after twelve years together, with two children aged 9 and 6 and a mortgaged semi in Stockport. Rachel booked a MIAM in the first week of February; Dan attended his own a week later. Over four joint sessions between mid February and late April they agreed a schedule of alternate weekends plus Wednesday overnights with Dan, a holiday rota, and that Rachel would stay in the house until the youngest finishes primary school, with the equity then split 60/40 in her favour to reflect the children living mainly with her. The £500 voucher covered a good part of the joint session costs because the case involved child arrangements.
Their solicitor turned the financial terms into a consent order, approved by the court in June. Total time from first phone call to sealed order: just under five months.
Frequently asked questions
Do we have to be in the same room?
No. Joint sessions can run with each of you in separate rooms, called shuttle mediation, with the mediator moving between you. Online mediation can also use separate video breakout rooms. You can raise this at your MIAM, and the mediator may suggest it themselves after screening if a shared room seems unwise.
How long does family mediation take from start to finish?
A child arrangements case often completes within one to two months of the MIAMs. Cases involving finances usually take two to four months because of the disclosure stage, plus further weeks if you then apply for a consent order. Timescales depend mainly on how quickly you both provide information and how far apart you start.
Can I bring my solicitor to mediation?
Not usually to standard sessions, which involve just the two of you and the mediator. Many people take legal advice between sessions and before signing anything binding, which mediators encourage. In hybrid mediation, a variation designed for more complex or higher-conflict cases, solicitors can be present and advise you during the day itself.
What if my ex-partner refuses to take part?
Mediation is voluntary, so nobody can be forced to attend. If your ex-partner declines the invitation or does not respond, the mediator can sign your MIAM certificate so you can apply to court if you need to. Courts can also take an unreasonable refusal to attempt non-court dispute resolution into account, including on costs.
What happens if we cannot reach agreement?
Nothing you said in the sessions can be used against you, because discussions are without prejudice. The mediator can record any partial agreement, and points you did settle often narrow what a court or arbitrator later has to decide. You are free to move to solicitor negotiation, arbitration or a court application at any stage.
Sources
- Family Mediation Council, What is family mediation?, definition of mediation and the mediator’s role (accessed July 2026).
- Practice Direction 3A, Family Procedure Rules, the MIAM requirement, exemptions and the 15 business day expectation (accessed July 2026).
- GOV.UK, Family mediation voucher scheme, the £500 contribution and eligibility (accessed July 2026).
- GOV.UK, Apply for a consent order, how a financial agreement is made legally binding (accessed July 2026).
- GOV.UK, Court and tribunal fees updates from July 2026, the consent order and contested financial order fees from 13 July 2026 (accessed July 2026).
- Family Mediation Council, Find a local mediator, the register of FMC-regulated mediators (accessed July 2026).