Domestic abuse and mediation
Key facts
- Domestic abuse is a recognised reason you do not have to attend a MIAM or mediate. It is an accepted exemption under the Family Procedure Rules, provided one of the accepted forms of evidence applies, and the court can check that the exemption was validly claimed.
- Every case is screened for abuse and safety before mediation and again as it continues. Screening is confidential, and each person is seen on their own.
- Mediation is always voluntary. No one can be made to sit with a former partner, and a mediator will not begin or continue mediation where it would not be safe or fair.
- Where safety allows and both people choose it, shuttle or online formats can keep the two of you apart while still sorting out practical arrangements.
- In an emergency call 999. The free 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is 0808 2000 247.
Domestic abuse and mediation is a subject that worries many separating people, and the questions behind it are important ones. The short answer is that domestic abuse is a recognised reason to step out of the mediation route altogether, that mediators are trained to look for abuse in every case, and that mediation only ever goes ahead where it is safe and both people freely choose it. This page explains how screening works, when you can skip mediation entirely, and what safer options exist. For the wider picture of the process, see our guide to family mediation.
If you are not safe
In an emergency, call 999. For confidential support at any time, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
Is mediation ever safe after domestic abuse?
Mediation is built on the idea that two people can make decisions together on a reasonably level footing. Abuse, by its nature, removes that balance. That is why the family justice system does not treat mediation as a hurdle everyone must clear. If there has been domestic abuse, you are entitled to apply to court without mediating first, and you should never feel that mediation is being forced on you.
At the same time, some people who have experienced abuse do choose mediation, in a carefully adapted form, because it can be quicker and less adversarial than court and gives them more say in the outcome. The point is that it is a choice, made with full information and proper safeguards, and never an expectation. A mediator will support whichever route is right and safe for you, including helping you understand when mediation is not suitable.
How mediators screen every case
Screening for domestic abuse and safety is not an optional extra. It is a core part of the family mediator’s job and is required in every case, whether or not either person raises it. It usually begins at the Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, the individual meeting each person has before any joint session.
Screening is done with each person separately and confidentially. The mediator asks about safety, about any history of abuse, and about controlling or frightening behaviour, in a way that gives you room to speak openly. It does not stop after the first meeting. Mediators keep assessing safety throughout, and can pause or end mediation at any stage if it stops being safe or fair.
| Stage | What the mediator does |
|---|---|
| Before mediation | Meets each person separately at a MIAM and asks about safety, abuse and controlling behaviour |
| Deciding whether to proceed | Judges whether mediation can be safe and balanced, and explains the exemption and alternatives if not |
| During mediation | Keeps assessing safety, sets ground rules, and can use separate rooms or separate arrival times |
| At any point | Can pause or end mediation, and will do so if it becomes unsafe or unfair |
Domestic abuse is a reason you do not have to mediate
Most people applying to the family court about children or finances first have to show they attended a MIAM. Domestic abuse is one of the accepted exemptions from that requirement, supported by one of the accepted forms of evidence. If the exemption applies, you can make your court application without attending a MIAM or trying mediation, and the mediator or your solicitor can help you confirm this on the form. You can read the full list of grounds in our guide to MIAM exemptions.
The requirement to attend a MIAM comes from section 10 of the Children and Families Act 2014, with the detail set out in Part 3 of the Family Procedure Rules and Practice Direction 3A. PD3A lists domestic abuse as a MIAM exemption under Rule 3.8(1)(a) and sets out the forms of evidence that qualify. The meaning of domestic abuse itself is defined in section 1 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, which covers physical, sexual, emotional and economic abuse and controlling or coercive behaviour.
You do not need a criminal conviction to rely on the exemption. Practice Direction 3A accepts a wide range of evidence. Our detailed guide to domestic abuse evidence for a MIAM exemption walks through each type, but the table below gives a sense of what counts.
Cost need not be a barrier either. A MIAM is free if either person qualifies for legal aid, and people who have experienced domestic abuse are among those who may be eligible, subject to a means test. That means you can usually have the individual meeting, and get proper information about your options, without paying, even where you decide mediation itself is not the right route. Our guide to legal aid for mediation explains who qualifies.
| Type of evidence | Examples |
|---|---|
| Police and criminal | An arrest, caution, charge, conviction or ongoing criminal proceedings for a domestic abuse offence |
| Court orders | A protective injunction, a non-molestation order, or a finding of fact by a court that abuse took place |
| Health and support services | A letter from a GP, nurse or other health professional, a refuge, or a specialist domestic abuse support service |
| Other authorities | A letter from a local authority, housing provider or a multi-agency risk assessment conference (MARAC) |
What is coercive control?
Domestic abuse is not only physical violence. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 makes clear that it includes controlling or coercive behaviour: a pattern of threats, humiliation, isolation, monitoring or economic control that is used to frighten or dominate a partner. This kind of abuse can be harder to point to than a single incident, but it is taken just as seriously in family cases.
Coercive control matters for mediation because it directly affects whether two people can bargain freely. A person who has been controlled for years may agree to things in a joint room that they would never accept if they felt safe. Trained mediators are alert to this, which is one reason screening looks beyond obvious violence to the wider pattern of the relationship.
Because the pattern can be subtle, screening asks about everyday things as well as incidents: whether you felt able to make your own decisions, whether money or contact with friends and family was controlled, and whether you feel free to disagree with your former partner. There is no single test. The mediator builds a picture from what you tell them, and gives weight to how safe and equal you feel, not only to what can be proven.
Getting the right support alongside mediation
You do not have to work all of this out on your own. A specialist domestic abuse service can help you think through your options, whether that is mediation, court or simply staying safe day to day. Support workers can also provide the kind of letter that counts as evidence for the domestic abuse exemption, and can attend some meetings with you. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, can point you to local services as well as offering immediate support.
If you do choose a form of mediation, your own solicitor can advise you separately, so you go into any discussion knowing where you stand. Nothing agreed in mediation is binding until you have had the chance to take that advice and reflect. That breathing space is an important protection, especially where there has been control or pressure in the past.
Safe alternatives if a joint room is not right
Choosing not to sit across a table from a former partner does not mean the only option is court. Where it is safe and both people agree, mediation can be arranged so that you are never in the same room. In shuttle mediation, each of you stays in a separate room, or joins online at a different time, and the mediator moves between you. Nothing you say is passed on without your agreement.
For some families a hybrid model, where each person can have a solicitor or supporter present, gives extra reassurance. And if mediation is not the right route at all, the court remains open to you. The mediation versus court calculator can help you weigh the practical differences, but the safety of you and your children always comes first.
What about the children’s safety?
Where there has been abuse, arrangements for the children need particular care. A mediator will never treat contact as automatic if it could put a child, or the parent they live with, at risk. Practical concerns, such as safe handovers, are taken seriously, and mediation can build in protections like a neutral handover place or a third person to help. Where the risk is higher, the court, rather than mediation, may be the right forum, and can put safeguards in place.
It is also worth knowing that a mediator’s duty of confidentiality has limits when a child may be at risk of harm. If serious safeguarding concerns arise, the mediator can act on them. This is a protection for children, and it sits alongside, not against, the support the process aims to give you. If you are unsure whether your situation is suitable, the honest conversation to have is with the mediator at your individual meeting, where you can speak freely and in confidence.
Related situations
Difficult situations rarely fit one label, so this guide connects to several others. If arguments are intense but there is no abuse, our page on high-conflict separation and mediation explains how ground rules and shuttle formats help. If your former partner is controlling rather than violent, see mediating with a difficult or controlling ex. Where one person simply refuses to take part, our page on when one party will not engage at all sets out what happens next.
Screening is not a one-way door either. Some people begin joint mediation and find, part way through, that they no longer feel comfortable, perhaps because old patterns resurface. If that happens, the mediator can switch to shuttle format, take a break, or stop mediation entirely. You are never locked in. The whole approach rests on the idea, set out in the principles of family mediation, that the process is voluntary and that safety comes before reaching a deal.
Other situations raise their own questions rather than safety ones. If you were never married, see unmarried couples: property and children. If your family spans more than one country, our guide to international and cross-border family mediation may help. Couples ending a civil partnership can read civil partnership dissolution and mediation, and step-families can look at blended families and step-parents.
Sara had left a controlling relationship and needed to sort out arrangements for the children, but the thought of a joint meeting made her feel sick. At her MIAM she spoke to the mediator alone and explained what had happened. The mediator confirmed she qualified for the domestic abuse exemption and could go straight to court if she wished. Sara chose instead to try shuttle mediation, staying in a separate room with the mediator carrying messages. Ground rules meant no discussion of the past, only the children. She kept control throughout and knew she could stop at any time.
Frequently asked questions
Can I be forced to mediate if my ex has been abusive?
No. Mediation is always voluntary, and no one can be made to take part. Domestic abuse is also an accepted exemption from the requirement to attend a MIAM, so you can apply to court without mediating first if that is the safer route for you.
Will I have to be in the same room as my abuser?
Not unless you choose to and it is safe. Where mediation does go ahead, it can be arranged as shuttle mediation, with each person in a separate room or joining online at different times, so you never have to meet face to face.
How does a mediator know if there has been abuse?
Every person is screened separately and confidentially before mediation, usually at the MIAM. The mediator asks about safety and about controlling behaviour, and keeps assessing throughout. If mediation is not safe or fair, the mediator will not start it or will bring it to an end.
What evidence do I need to claim the domestic abuse exemption?
The Family Procedure Rules list many forms of evidence, including police or court records, a letter from a health professional, a refuge, or a domestic abuse support service. You confirm the exemption on the court application form.
Is what I tell the mediator confidential?
Yes. Screening conversations are confidential and are held with each person on their own. A mediator would only ever act outside that where there is a serious risk of harm, particularly to a child.
Sources
- Practice Direction 3A, Family Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs), justice.gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021, section 1 (definition of domestic abuse), legislation.gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- Get help if you are experiencing domestic abuse, gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- Family Mediation Council, Code of Practice, familymediationcouncil.org.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.