When one party will not engage at all
Key facts
- If the other person ignores or declines a mediation invitation, you are not stuck. The mediator records this and can sign your court form.
- The mediator makes reasonable attempts to contact them, usually more than once, before confirming that mediation could not go ahead.
- Since the 2024 reforms, a court can weigh an unreasonable refusal to consider non-court options, including on costs.
- The FM5 form asks each person to set out their view on resolving matters away from court.
Mediation only works if both people take part, so it is natural to worry about what happens if your former partner simply refuses. The reassuring answer is that one person’s refusal does not leave you with nowhere to turn. There is a clear process for recording non-engagement and moving your case forward. This page explains it, as part of our wider guide to mediation in different situations.
What the mediator does if your ex will not respond
When you approach a mediator, they will normally invite the other person to attend their own individual meeting. If that invitation is ignored, the mediator does not simply give up after one try. They make reasonable attempts to make contact, usually by letter, email or phone, over a short period. Some people who ignore a first letter do respond to a follow-up, and the mediator will give a genuine chance to take part.
If the other person still does not respond, or declines outright, the mediator records that mediation cannot proceed. Crucially, they can then sign the form you need to apply to court. In other words, the other person cannot block your application simply by staying silent. Our guide to what happens if mediation fails covers the next steps in more detail.
| Situation | What happens |
|---|---|
| Other person ignores the invitation | The mediator makes further attempts to contact them over a short window |
| They decline to take part | The mediator records this and can sign your court form |
| No response at all | After reasonable attempts, the mediator confirms mediation could not go ahead |
| They agree to attend | Mediation proceeds in the normal way, starting with separate meetings |
Step by step: what happens when the other person will not take part
Laid out in order, the process is straightforward, and at no point does the other person’s silence leave you stranded.
- You contact a mediator and attend your own MIAM.
- The mediator invites the other person to their own individual meeting.
- If there is no reply, the mediator makes further reasonable attempts to make contact.
- After a genuine chance to respond, the mediator records that mediation could not go ahead.
- The mediator signs your court form, and you can make your application, filing an FM5 to show you tried.
What counts as reasonable attempts to make contact
There is no rigid rule, but mediators follow a consistent, fair approach. They will normally reach out more than once and by more than one method, so that a person who misses a letter still has a chance through email or a phone call. The attempts are usually spread over a short window of a few weeks, long enough to be genuine without leaving you waiting indefinitely. The mediator keeps a record of what was tried and when, which is what allows them to confirm, honestly, that mediation could not proceed.
Signing the form so you can apply to court
Before most applications to the family court about children or finances, you need to show you attended a MIAM or that an exemption applies. Where the other person will not engage, the mediator confirms on the court form that you attended and that the other person did not take part. That satisfies the requirement, and you can proceed. If you would like the detail on when the other person’s refusal itself counts, see our page on what happens when an ex refuses mediation.
The requirement to attend a MIAM before applying to court comes from section 10 of the Children and Families Act 2014 and Part 3 of the Family Procedure Rules. Since reforms took effect on 29 April 2024, the court can adjourn proceedings for parties to try non-court dispute resolution, and can take a party’s conduct, including an unreasonable refusal to consider it, into account when deciding costs. Parties also file an FM5 form setting out their position on resolving matters out of court.
Refusing to engage can carry consequences
A person who refuses to consider mediation for no good reason may not escape unscathed. The court now expects parties to have genuinely considered non-court options, and can take an unreasonable refusal into account, including when deciding who pays the costs of a case. Each person files an FM5 form setting out their view on resolving matters away from court, which puts the question of willingness squarely before the judge.
None of this forces anyone into mediation, which remains voluntary. What it does is make clear that ignoring the process is not a cost-free choice, and it protects the person who was willing to try. If you would like to see how the encouragement to use non-court options works more broadly, our guide to non-court dispute resolution sets it out.
When silence hides a safety concern
Not everyone who fails to respond is being obstructive. Sometimes a person does not reply because they are frightened, or because there has been abuse and any contact feels unsafe. That is why screening matters on both sides. A person who has experienced domestic abuse does not have to mediate, and may qualify for a MIAM exemption and apply to court directly. Non-engagement is not always stubbornness, and the process leaves room for that.
If you are not safe
In an emergency, call 999. For confidential support at any time, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
Why some people do not engage, and what can help
People ignore mediation invitations for many reasons. Some are angry or hurt and cannot yet face any contact. Some wrongly assume that not replying will stall the whole process, or that mediation is a trap. Others simply do not understand what is being offered. A short, calm explanation of what mediation is, that it is confidential and that they will be seen separately first, sometimes changes minds where a formal letter does not.
If cost is the worry, it is useful to know that help may be available. The Family Mediation Voucher Scheme offers a contribution towards mediation in cases involving children, and some people qualify for legal aid for mediation. Removing a practical barrier occasionally turns a reluctant response into a willing one. Even so, if the other person still will not take part, the process above means your case can move forward regardless.
Timing can matter too. A person who refuses in the first raw weeks after a separation sometimes agrees a few months later, once the initial shock has passed. If there is no urgency, allowing a little time before inviting them again, or sending a short, calm message about the children rather than the relationship, can occasionally succeed where a formal letter did not. Even so, you are never obliged to wait, and the process for moving forward is always there.
Other ways to reach agreement if mediation stalls
Mediation is one of several non-court options, and it is not the only way to settle things without a hearing. If the other person will not mediate but might still negotiate, solicitors can correspond on your behalf, or you could consider another form of non-court dispute resolution. Our guide to which non-court option fits compares them. Where none of that works, the mediator signing your form leaves the court route open, and you lose nothing by having tried.
If they engage and then drop out
Sometimes the other person agrees to take part, attends once or twice, and then stops replying. This is handled in much the same way as a refusal at the start. The mediator makes reasonable attempts to re-engage them, and if there is no meaningful response, records that mediation could not continue and can sign your form. Anything the two of you did manage to agree is not wasted, and you are still free to move your case forward.
Keeping a record of your attempts to resolve things
It helps to keep your own note of the steps you took to sort matters out before court. Save copies of any messages inviting the other person to mediate or to talk, and note the dates. The mediator keeps their own record of the invitations they sent, and you set out your willingness in the FM5 form. Together these show the court, honestly and simply, that you tried the non-court route and that the delay was not of your making.
What the court can and cannot do about a refusal
The court cannot make an unwilling person mediate, because mediation is voluntary by its nature. What it can do is pause a case so both people genuinely consider non-court options, and take an unreasonable refusal into account when deciding who pays the costs. It will not penalise someone who had a good reason not to mediate, such as domestic abuse or a real safety concern. The aim is to reward genuine effort to resolve things, not to force anyone into a room where they should not be.
If your case is urgent or there is a safety risk
The process above assumes there is time to invite the other person and wait for a response. Some situations cannot wait. Where there is a genuine emergency, a risk to a child, or a real risk that a child or assets will be moved, you may be able to apply to court straight away under a MIAM exemption, without first attending a MIAM or trying mediation. Where there has been domestic abuse, the same exemption applies. The MIAM exemptions page explains the grounds, and a solicitor can advise on an urgent application.
For most people, though, the other person’s silence is simply frustrating rather than dangerous, and the ordinary process is enough. You attend your MIAM, the mediator makes reasonable attempts to involve the other person, and if they will not take part, your case moves on without them.
When Tom asked to mediate about arrangements for their daughter, his ex-partner ignored the invitation completely. The mediator wrote twice and tried to call, with no reply. Rather than leaving Tom in limbo, the mediator recorded that mediation could not go ahead and signed his court form. Tom was able to make his application, and set out in his FM5 form that he had tried to resolve things out of court. His willingness to mediate, and the other side’s silence, were there for the judge to see.
Frequently asked questions
What happens if my ex ignores the mediation invitation?
The mediator will contact them, usually more than once. If they do not respond or decline to take part, the mediator records that mediation could not go ahead and can sign your court form so you can apply to court.
Can I go to court if the other person refuses mediation?
Yes. If your former partner will not engage, the mediator confirms this on the relevant form, which allows you to make your application. You are not stuck simply because the other person will not take part.
Does refusing mediation look bad in court?
It can. Since the 2024 reforms, the court can take a person’s unreasonable refusal to consider non-court dispute resolution into account, including when deciding who pays costs. The FM5 form asks both people about their views on resolving matters out of court.
How long does the mediator wait for a response?
There is no fixed period, but mediators make reasonable attempts to contact the other person over a short window. If there is no meaningful response, they will record that and let you move forward.
What is the FM5 form?
The FM5 is a form each person files before certain hearings, setting out their view on using mediation or another non-court option. It helps the court see who was willing to resolve things out of court.
Can the court order my ex to attend mediation?
The court cannot force anyone to mediate, because mediation is voluntary. Since the 2024 reforms, though, it can pause a case so the parties consider non-court options, and it can weigh an unreasonable refusal when deciding costs. Refusing is not a cost-free choice.
What if my ex agrees to mediate and then stops replying?
The mediator handles it in much the same way. They make reasonable attempts to re-engage the other person. If there is no meaningful response, they record that mediation could not continue and can sign your form, so you are still able to move your case forward.
How long is a MIAM certificate valid?
A MIAM certificate is generally valid for four months. If you attend a MIAM and then need to apply to court because the other person will not engage, it is worth keeping that timescale in mind so the certificate still covers your application.
Sources
- Practice Direction 3A, Family Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs), justice.gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- Family Mediation Council, Code of Practice, familymediationcouncil.org.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- GOV.UK, Making decisions when you separate: mediation, gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.