Child arrangements through mediation
Key facts
- Child arrangements cover where a child lives, how time is shared between parents and how big decisions about the child are made.
- The modern legal terms are “lives with” and “spends time with”. The old words “custody” and “access” are no longer used by the courts.
- Most separated parents can agree arrangements in mediation without ever going to court.
- The child’s welfare comes first in every decision, a principle set out in the Children Act 1989.
- If you cannot agree, mediation is normally the required first step before you apply to court on form C100.
When parents separate, the biggest question is usually the same: what happens with the children? Child arrangements are simply the practical answers to that question. Where will the children live? How will they share time with each parent? Who decides about school, health and holidays? This guide explains how family mediation helps you agree those things calmly, what the modern legal terms mean, and what happens if you cannot agree between yourselves.
Mediation is a voluntary process where an impartial, trained mediator helps you both reach your own decisions about your children. It is not counselling and it is not court. It is a structured set of conversations that keeps the focus on your children and helps you build arrangements that work for both homes. For the wider picture of how the process runs, see our guide to how family mediation works.
What are child arrangements?
“Child arrangements” is the umbrella term for the plans separated parents make about their children. It replaced older language and now covers three broad areas: living arrangements, time spent with each parent, and how decisions get made. You can agree all of this informally, write it into a parenting plan, or in some cases set it out in a court order.
In practice, most families need to sort out a weekly routine, a plan for school holidays and special days, how they will handle changeovers, and how they will communicate. Some also need to think about maintenance, schooling and travel. Mediation can cover any and all of these in one place.
None of this has to be set in stone. Children grow, jobs change and homes move, so the best arrangements are the ones you can adjust together over time. What mediation gives you is a clear starting point and a calm way to revisit it, rather than a fixed order handed down by someone else. That flexibility is one of the main reasons parents choose it.
| Area | What it covers |
|---|---|
| Living arrangements | Which home the child lives in, or how they split their time between two homes |
| Time with each parent | The weekly pattern, weekends, holidays, birthdays and other special days |
| Decision-making | How you agree on school, medical care, religion, travel and other big choices |
| Practical detail | Changeovers, communication between homes, and how you will review the plan as children grow |
“Lives with” and “spends time with”, not custody and access
You may still hear the words “custody” and “access”, but the family courts in England and Wales stopped using them years ago. The law now talks about who a child lives with and who they spend time with. The change was deliberate. The old words made it sound as though one parent won and the other lost. The modern terms describe arrangements rather than ownership.
This matters in mediation too. There is no prize for being the parent a child “lives with”. Children usually do best when both parents stay closely involved, and the aim of mediation is to build a routine that keeps that happening, not to award points to one side.
A note on language
If a court does make an order, it is called a child arrangements order. It sets out who the child lives with and spends time with. It does not use the words custody or access.
What is parental responsibility?
Parental responsibility is the legal term for the rights, duties and authority a parent has for a child. A mother has it automatically. A father usually has it if he is married to the mother or named on the birth certificate for children registered from December 2003 onwards. More than one person can hold it, and it does not end just because parents separate.
Holding parental responsibility means you share the big decisions, such as which school a child attends, serious medical treatment and taking a child abroad. Mediation is a good place to agree how you will exercise that shared responsibility day to day, so that neither parent feels shut out and neither has to ask permission for ordinary things.
How does mediation handle child arrangements?
Mediation gives you a calm, structured space to work through the decisions above. After an initial individual meeting, you usually meet jointly with the mediator, either in the same room or, where it feels safer, in separate rooms using shuttle mediation. The mediator keeps the conversation balanced, makes sure both of you are heard, and helps you turn broad wishes into a workable plan.
Most parents cover the ground in two to four sessions. You might start with the weekly routine, move on to holidays and special days, and finish with how you will communicate and review things. Along the way the mediator can give you legal and practical information, though not advice on what you personally should do. When you reach agreement, the mediator writes it up so you both have a clear record. For children matters this is usually a parenting plan; where money is involved it may also be a memorandum of understanding.
It also helps to know what mediation does not do. The mediator will not take sides, tell you what a fair outcome should be, or impose a decision if you cannot agree. Their role is to keep the conversation balanced and productive so that the two of you can reach your own decisions. If you want advice tailored to your own position, you would see a solicitor alongside mediation, and many parents do exactly that.
Mediation tends to be far quicker and less expensive than court, and because you build the plan yourselves it is more likely to last. You can read more about the principles that underpin the process, including confidentiality and impartiality.
Why a MIAM comes first
Before mediation proper begins, each of you attends a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, known as a MIAM. It is a private, individual meeting with an accredited mediator. They explain how mediation works, answer your questions, and check that mediation is safe and suitable for your situation, including screening for domestic abuse.
The MIAM matters for a second reason. If you later need to apply to court about your children, you normally have to show you attended a MIAM first. The mediator signs the relevant section of the court form to confirm this, unless an exemption applies. You can check whether the requirement applies to you in our guide to the C100 and the MIAM requirement.
The child’s welfare comes first
Every decision about a child, whether made by parents or by a court, is guided by one overriding idea: the child’s welfare comes first. The Children Act 1989 makes the child’s welfare the court’s paramount consideration and sets out a welfare checklist that includes the child’s needs, their wishes and feelings in light of their age, and any risk of harm.
Mediators keep this principle at the centre of the room. The question is rarely “what does each parent want?” and more often “what works best for the children, and how do we make that happen from two homes?” Keeping conflict away from children is a big part of that, which is why many parents also work on co-parenting communication and think carefully about how they talk to their children about the separation.
Under section 1 of the Children Act 1989, a child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration in any decision about their upbringing, and the court applies a welfare checklist. Section 8 gives the court power to make a child arrangements order (setting out who a child lives with and spends time with), a specific issue order and a prohibited steps order. The court also follows the “no order” principle: it will not make an order unless doing so is better for the child than making none, which is one reason parents are encouraged to agree arrangements themselves.
What if you cannot agree?
Sometimes agreement is not possible, or one parent will not take part. If mediation cannot resolve things, the next step is usually an application to court. For children matters this is made on form C100. Before you can apply, you normally need to have attended a MIAM, and the court fee for a C100 application is currently £270.
Going to court does not mean the mediator decides anything. It means a judge will, after hearing from Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, which advises the court on what is safe and in the child’s best interests. Many cases still settle by agreement even after an application is made. If you reach this point, our guide on what happens if mediation does not resolve everything explains the options, and grandparents have a slightly different route into court that we cover separately.
It is worth remembering that court is genuinely a last resort, not a normal next step. It is slower, more stressful and takes the decision out of your hands. Even where safety concerns or a total breakdown in communication make court necessary, keeping as much as possible out of a contested hearing usually serves the children best. That is why the family justice system expects most parents to try to resolve things another way first.
Can children have a say?
Older children often want to be heard, and there is a way to do that safely. In child-inclusive mediation, a specially trained mediator meets the child on their own, in a relaxed and confidential setting, and feeds back to the parents only what the child is happy to share. It is not about asking a child to choose between parents. It is about making sure their feelings are part of the plan.
Child-inclusive mediation is usually available for children aged around ten and over, though it depends on the child. Cafcass and family mediators agree that children cope better with separation when they feel listened to, even if they are not the ones making the final decision.
How long does mediation take, and what does it cost?
Most parents settle their child arrangements in two to four joint sessions, each lasting around an hour to 90 minutes and spread over a few weeks. That is much quicker than the court process, which can run to many months. How many sessions you need depends on how much you have to cover and how far apart you start.
Cost varies by provider and region, and each of you normally pays for your own place. Where children are involved, the government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme can put up to £500 towards the cost of joint mediation, paid directly to the mediator. If you or your ex-partner receive certain benefits or are on a low income, you may qualify for legal aid, which can make mediation free. Our overview of what mediation costs and the guide to the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme set out the options in full.
Building the plan: where to go next
Once you have the big picture, the detail is where a good plan really helps. Our complete guide to parenting plans shows you exactly what to include. If you are weighing up routines, the guide to common contact patterns compares week-on week-off, alternate weekends and 2-2-3 rotations by the age of the child, and you can map out school breaks with the help of our page on holidays, birthdays and special days.
There are also focused guides for the situations that most often need extra thought: child maintenance, school and education disagreements, moving away with children, and introducing new partners. Whatever your situation, the aim is the same: a clear, child-focused arrangement that both homes can rely on.
Sam and Aisha separated when their children were six and nine. Both were anxious that agreeing arrangements would turn into a fight over who the children “lived with”. Their mediator explained that the modern approach is not about custody but about building a routine that keeps both parents involved. Over three sessions they agreed a school-week pattern, a plan for the summer holidays and a simple way to message each other about the children. The mediator wrote it up as a parenting plan. A year on, they still use it, and adjust it together as the children grow.
Frequently asked questions
Do we have to go to court to sort out child arrangements?
No. Most separated parents agree arrangements themselves, often with the help of mediation, and never go to court. Court is generally a last resort for when agreement is not possible or there are safety concerns.
Is a mediated child arrangement legally binding?
A parenting plan is not itself legally binding, but it is a clear record of what you agreed and courts take it seriously. If you want a binding order you can ask the court to approve your agreement, though many parents find a written plan is enough.
What is the difference between custody and a child arrangements order?
Custody is an old term no longer used by the courts. A child arrangements order is the modern order, and it sets out who a child lives with and who they spend time with, rather than awarding custody to one parent.
Can my child choose who they live with?
There is no fixed age at which a child decides. The older and more mature a child is, the more weight their wishes carry, but the final decision rests with the parents or, if it goes to court, the judge, always guided by the child’s welfare.
What happens if my ex will not come to mediation?
Mediation is voluntary, so no one can be forced to attend. If your ex will not take part, the mediator can still sign the form confirming you attended a MIAM, which lets you apply to court if you need to.
Sources
- Children Act 1989, section 1 (welfare) and section 8 (orders), legislation.gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- Cafcass, what happens in the family courts, cafcass.gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- GOV.UK, Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate, gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.
- GOV.UK, Apply for a court order (C100 fee), gov.uk. Accessed 9 July 2026.