Free tool
Text Tone-Checker: say it so your co-parent can hear it
Every co-parenting message has two jobs: say the thing, and keep the temperature down. Pick your situation for a rewrite that does both, run your own draft through the private tone check, or paste a message you have received and build a reply that keeps you out of the row. Your words never leave this page, and nothing is stored or sent anywhere. We verified this technically on 17 July 2026: with the checker running, the page makes no network requests and writes nothing to storage, and this site runs no analytics scripts at all.
This tool needs JavaScript, which seems to be switched off in your browser.
The four rules still work without it: keep messages short, stick to facts, focus on what happens next, and keep the children at the centre. If a draft mentions the past, the other person’s character, or ends in an exclamation mark, edit before sending.
Runs entirely in your browser. Your messages never leave this page. If messages between you include threats, or make you feel unsafe, that is not a tone problem: see domestic abuse support and evidence, or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, free, any time.
Spotted something the checker got wrong? Email us with a short description of what it missed or misjudged, and we will teach it the pattern. If you include an example, please remove names, children’s details and anything identifying first. Nothing is ever sent unless you choose to send it yourself.
What this tool is not
This tool does not decide who is right, assess legal risk or identify abuse. It looks for language patterns and suggests alternative wording, and it may miss context, sarcasm, coded threats or coercive behaviour. Do not use it as a safety assessment. If a message includes threats or makes you feel unsafe, use the support links on this page instead.
Six typical messages, rewritten
These are composite examples, written with mediator input to reflect the messages people very nearly send. Here they are, and the versions that got an answer instead.
Nearly sent
“You are late AGAIN. The kids have been sitting by the window for 40 minutes. This is exactly why nobody can rely on you.”
Sent instead
“They are ready when you get here. If 5pm keeps being tight after your shift, shall we move it to 5.30 from next week?”
Swaps a character verdict for a fix, and offers an easy yes.
Nearly sent
“Still waiting for the £11.50 dinner money. Funny how you found money for the football on Saturday though.”
Sent instead
“Dinner money for the week is £11.50. Can you send it tonight so I can top up the account before Monday?”
One number, one deadline, and no audit of their weekend.
Nearly sent
“He is exhausted every Monday because you let him game half the night. Actual parenting means saying no sometimes.”
Sent instead
“He is shattered on Mondays. Could we agree screens off by 9 on school nights at both houses? The same rule at both ends is easier on him.”
Making it the same rule for both houses removes the blame and makes it about him.
Nearly sent
“You missed the goodnight call AGAIN and she cried herself to sleep. Hope whatever you were doing was worth it.”
Sent instead
“She was upset to miss the call tonight. If Tuesdays are hard, would Monday and Wednesday at 7 work better? She just wants to know when it is happening.”
Her tears used as a weapon would start a war. A schedule she can rely on actually fixes the problem.
Nearly sent
“So I hear your girlfriend was there all weekend without a word to me. Nice to be the last to know, as usual.”
Sent instead
“Sam mentioned someone new was there this weekend. Can we have a quick call about how we handle introductions? I would give you the same heads-up my end.”
Asks for a rule rather than an apology, and offers the same deal both ways.
Nearly sent
“The passport form has been in his bag for two weeks. It is not difficult. Sign it and send it back like an adult.”
Sent instead
“The passport form is due Friday. Easiest option: sign the page I have flagged, photo it back to me tonight, and I will do the rest.”
Makes the next step tiny and takes the rest of the job off their plate.
The four rules mediators teach
1. Keep it short
Long messages read as lectures. Two or three sentences nearly always beat two or three paragraphs.
2. Stick to facts
Dates, times, places and arrangements. Opinions about each other’s character never move anything forward.
3. Face forwards
Ask about the next handover, not the last one. The past is for mediation sessions, not text threads.
4. Centre the children
Frame requests around what the children need. It is the one thing you both agree matters.
Why message tone matters more than you think
Message threads have a habit of turning up later: in mediation sessions, in Cafcass safeguarding conversations, and sometimes in court bundles. A thread full of level-headed, child-focused messages from you is worth more than any statement about being a reasonable co-parent. Write every message as something your child could one day read. Messages do sometimes end up in front of a judge, so factual and calm always serves you well.
If every exchange turns into a row no matter how carefully you write, that is usually a sign the communication needs structure, not more effort. Family mediation exists for exactly this, and a parenting plan from our Schedule Builder removes the need for most of the messages in the first place.
Frequently asked questions
Is my message really private?
Yes. The tone check runs entirely inside your browser using simple pattern rules. Nothing you type is sent to this website or anyone else, and it disappears when you close the page.
My ex-partner sends aggressive messages. Should I match their tone?
No, and not because you should be a pushover. Your steady replies protect you: they de-escalate most exchanges, and if things ever reach Cafcass or a court, your thread shows exactly who kept things child-focused.
When should I just not send a message at all?
When you are angry, and when it is about the past. Draft it if it helps, then wait an hour. If it still needs saying, the rewrite patterns above will say it better.
What if no amount of careful wording works?
Then the problem is the situation, not your writing. A MIAM is the first step to structured help, and mediation can agree communication rules alongside the practical arrangements.
Sources
- Cafcass, Positive Co-Parenting Programme and co-parenting resources, cafcass.gov.uk. Accessed 4 July 2026.
- GOV.UK, Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate, gov.uk. Accessed 4 July 2026.
- Family Mediation Council, family mediation information, familymediationcouncil.org.uk. Accessed 4 July 2026.